Imagine thinking your spouse is a sexy secret agent for decades only to find out he’s a restaurant critic for fat tire boy magazine
Better yet imagine a real spy getting in trouble and mistaking a restaurant critic for a fellow agent. But the critic takes their job very seriously and won’t reveal themselves and so gets pulled into some kind of huge dangerous conspiracy whilst continuing to take notes on the quality of every restaurant they almost get shot in.
monkey d luffy as an in-universe concept is so fucking funny to me because like…
you just live peacefully on your island and you keep hearing tales of this like crazy monstrous pirate crew who will come and destroy half your island and overthrow your government and then one day they show up and it’s just some scrawny little Noodly Boy and his weird teenaged friends and you’re like oh damn he’s not threatening at all??? he just wants to be friends and eat all our food??? and then before you know it half your island is destroyed and your government is overthrown
Peter Parker: -on meeting Loki, offers his hand- Hi, I’m Peter!
Loki: -shakes his hand- Loki of Asgard.
Peter: Aren’t you like…a bad guy?
Loki: It varies from moment to moment.
Peter: So like…on a scale of one to ten, ten being the worst evil imaginable, like…killing puppies, and one being I’ll spit on your hotdog…where are you right now?
Loki: …maybe a three?
Peter: Cool. Lemme know if it gets above a six.
Loki: -thinking- I like him.
It had been a joke, a flippant line, but somehow, Loki found himself taking the youth up on it.
It was hard living around these heroic Avengers, hard trying to stay close to Thor. And when he felt his need for mischief rise too high, when he felt exasperation with these Midgardians turn too close to spite, he would casually say “Six.” to the young man, or sometimes “Seven.”
And Peter would spend the rest of his day with Loki. He would badger him with questions about magic, or drag him across his beloved city to see its entertainments, or take him along stopping petty crimes. He grounded Loki to the here and now, and distracted him from the churning, jagged shards of ice in his mind.
WE NEED LOKI AND PETER FICS
Stark’s brat had a system. It had been amusing, at first glance, especially when “killing puppies” was apparently a higher level of evil than trying to take over the world. It had risen and fallen – two, five, one. There were honestly good days.
It took some time before a truly bad day came up.
After a difficult battle, the Captain was being particularly sanctimonious, his team following suit. Even Stark made biting comments.
Loki could scream.
“Spider-man,” he said as calmly as he could. The young man glanced up, having been tying up some of their enemies a few yards away.
“Seven.”
“… okay, guys, I’m going to head out with Loki for the rest of the day. Don’t need us for debrief, yeah?”
“Sure,” Stark shrugged, glancing between the two of them oddly. Loki wasn’t entirely sure what the plan was. They went in civilian clothes to a small café.
“I wasn’t paying attention, so whatever was said, I don’t agree,” Peter began. “But that’s not what I’m here for. So. When you teleport, how does that work? Is it harder with longer distances? Or is knowledge of the place more helpful?” Loki blinked, but explained. It led to a discussion of magical theory. Peter (Loki still called him Parker aloud, but the child and even his young friends grew on him in time) was eager and curious, comparing what he knew from Strange and fantasy books to Loki’s knowledge. It was admittedly fascinating to see how many versions of sorcery humans had created by mere imagination. He was definitely amused by the elves and dwarves of Lord of the Rings.
Sometimes Peter tentatively asked about Strange and Maximoff, if they were doing similar things. Never if Loki was at an 8 or above though.
“Strange is like a child prodigy. He’s good, picks the practical parts up well. He even got the jump on me – but he has not had as much time to study as me. He’s a student where I am a master. Maximoff is incredibly powerful and incredibly lucky, but she does not have much training at all.” Sometimes conversation turned to music, animals, current events.
Peter was good. It was odd, how Loki became so sure of the fact so quickly.
After the conversations, often accompanied with food or a walk, he was always down to a 3 or so. Which made Peter an important person.
So the next time Peter was in trouble and the Avengers were indisposed, Loki was not the least bit surprised that he was not the only one ready to tear someone apart for the kid. Two men in red – one with horns, one with guns and swords – a young girl with cat-shaped blasters on her hands, and the Captain’s assassin friend. Loki curled his lips and muttered:
“For anyone that harms you? 10.”
IT GOT MORE SINCE THE LAST TIME I SAW IT AND IM IN LOVE
also, the fact we get Daredevil, Deadpool, Shuri, and James teaming up with Loki to protect Peter? I AM HERE FOR ALL THIS HELLS YES
(I thought I didn’t have anything to add but I do)
It was just after noon on a Saturday when Loki got a text from Peter, all it said was
‘8, I’m at home′
Peter had never used their number system for himself before.
Loki had promised the boy’s aunt he would not teleport into their home and while he’d had every intention of honouring that promise, this was definitely an exception.
When Loki materialized in Peter’s room, his friend was pacing, angry and red-faced. Loki had never seen Peter furious before.
Peter began shouting when he saw Loki, ‘Men are scum! Irredeemable, horrible, crappy, scummy scum!’
‘Thank you for telling me, Peter.’ Loki said, sitting down on Peter’s bed. ‘Any particular men inspiring this diatribe?’
Peter grabbed a pillow off his bed and screamed into it, ‘There’s a guy at Aunt May’s work who’s harassing her and she says I need to stay out of it and let Human Resources do their jobs and he’s a creep and he’s making May feel creeped out and… I don’t know what to do.’
Loki blinked. Of all the people Peter could have gone to, he had chose Loki.
‘Thank you, for telling me this. Although I’m not sure how I can be of help.’
Peter flopped down onto the bed next to Loki, ‘You’re my friend and you’re an adult. And I wasn’t sure who else to talk to.’
Loki flopped back next to Peter, it seemed appropriate. ‘If Human Resources doesn’t sort this out to your satisfaction, I can turn this person into a goat.’
I will continue to call The Creature “Frankenstein” and no force in Heaven or Earth will impede that.
I also laughed at him totally deliberately calling attention to the fact Victor isn’t a real doctor because he dropped out of college and built a guy out of corpses
Even funnier thing to imagine: resurrecting Diogenes too and telling him that “Platonic” relationships means not fucking, he’d probably laugh himself back to death.
So I actually know the origin of this term because it came up when I studied Plato in my classes. Basically, in ancient Greece it was a super common practice for teachers to fuck their students. Like all the time. It was considered a way for the student to “pay” the teacher. Plato thought this was bullshit. He felt that a student could not properly learn from someone who was truly only interested in having sex with them. He didn’t fuck his students and derided those who did. Other teachers who refused to fuck their students were said to have “platonic” teaching relationships with them – so named because they were following Plato’s example. So the reason it’s called a Platonic relationship is because Plato was heavily anti-teachers-fucking-their-students and it’s one of the few things he was ever even remotely correct about.
Hey guys, this time we’re back with yet another instalment of screaming about Guardian, now with 100% more anime villain looks. Grab your favorite cup of morning joe and let’s go!
Lady Karasu 