Dear residents of South Blackstone Ave,

Thank you for your many phone calls and personal appeal to city workers. We are finally able to address your concerns regarding this unsecured manhole.

After several months of careful review, we have decided that a few crappy pieces of wood hastily nailed together and light enough for any curious eight year old boy to move, is sufficient to guarantee everyone’s safety.

Please understand that currently, various departments of the city are operating under budget cuts, including the C.D.M.C. (Chicago Department of Manhole Covers). This department is severely understaffed with only two-hundred and fifty workers to answer phones and another fifty to replace missing manhold covers. WE do have one brand new manhole cover which fits this very opening. However, it is designated “reserve” manhole cover and is not available for actual use.

Regardless, our safety engineers assure us that an unsecured hold large enough for a grown man to fit in, poses no danger to small children or pets. Therefore, it will remain exactly like this from now on and forever. Please take care to get used to this situation and try your best not to break your f*cking leg in the winter when the ground is covered with a foot of snow.

Office of the Mayor,
Rahm Emanuel

Removing this sign or any sign bearing the City of Chicago seal, carries a penalty of two years in prison and a fine of $300,000

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