[In the prisoners’ cells aboard the Gloria Scott.]
Prendergast: Hey, chummy!
Armitage: Look, someone in the next cell cut a hole through to mine and OMG IT’S JACK FREAKING PRENDERGAST.
Prendergast: [winks] That’s right, chummity-chum-chum.
Armitage: I LOVE YOUR JAUNTY SWAGGER.
Prendergast: I’m, like, super-rich too.
Armitage: [swoons]
Prendergast: Anywho, me and my money think this boat is a dump and we’re busting out of here. You in, chumerson?
Armitage: There’s an awful lot of soldiers on board.
Predergast: Big deal, there’ll be a little murdering involved. You’re not some kind of girl, are you?
Armitage: Well…
Prendergast: [is tall and confident]
Armitage: Yeah, okay! That sounds great! Thanks for inviting me.
Prendergast: I had a feeling you were cool, chumby. You can bring a friend if you want, but not the wuss in the corner or the dude with jaundice or that guy who keeps trying to get the rest of us to play I Spy to pass the time.
Armitage: Right. Of course not. Losers.
Evans: …pick me pick me pick me…
Armitage: Hey, Evans, Prendergast is throwing a jailbreak, do you want to–
Evans: YES.
Chaplain: Okay, prisoners. Time to pray.
Chaplain: [hands out pistols to the prisoners]
Chaplain: It’s a really good thing no one thinks to ask why my Bible bag’s so clanky.
Prendergast: Let’s do this, chumbellinas!
Prisoners: [murder murder murder]
Soldier: [gets shot and falls off ship]
Armitage: Wow, he just keeps swimming. Poor little guy. We should put him out of his misery.
Soldier: Or–and this is just a suggestion–you could not.
Armitage: There there, little man.
Soldier: I’m not convinced you’ve taken the time to fully appreciate the nuances of my argument.
Prisoner: [shoots soldier]
Armitage: Thanks!
Soldier: You jerk. If you ever have a son, I am coming back to possess his dog and make it bite people so he winds up with no friends and has a largely unfulfilling college experience.
Armitage: That’s a weirdly specific threat.
Soldier: [dies]
Armitage: So, what now?
Prendergast: Let me ask my money.
Prendergast: [holds money up to ear]
Prendergast: What’s that, Money? You want us to murder the rest of the crew?
Armitage: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Evans: Yeah, what the heck, man? Nobody said anything about MURDERS.
Prendergast: I’m pretty sure I specifically did say that. Plus you just helped kill all the soldiers.
Armitage: But they were all armed and whatevs.
Prendergast: The wounded guy in the water?
Armitage: Um…
Evans: The point is, no more murders! I’m allergic. I have a note from my doctor.
Prendergast: Weren’t you convicted of forgery?
Evans: Um…
Prendergast: [sighs] This is disappointing, chumalumadingdongs. I thought you were cool. But fine, take a boat and get out of here.
Armitage & Evans: [leave on boat]
Gloria Scott: Well, I’ve had about enough of this.
Gloria Scott: [blows up dramatically]
Hudson: [swims over to the boat]
Hudson: Everybody else blew up.
Armitage: ‘Kay.
[Years later…]
Hudson: I’m back to ruin your lives.
Armitage: [dies of shock]
Evans: FINE, maybe just one more murder then.
Evans: [murders Hudson]
Hudson: [dies]
Evans: Wait, I forgot about my murder allergy!
Evans: [also dies]
[More years later…]
Holmes: And that’s how I became a detective.
Watson: Fascinating! Hopefully someday someone will invent Google so a kid can use that incredibly accurate summary of events to cheat on their book report.
Holmes: Well said. But in the meantime…
Holmes: [grabs electric guitar]
Watson: [grabs drum kit]
Holmes & Watson: [rock out]